[11/29/2009] [ mood | sick ] boy loves girl. boy breaks up with girl. boy still loves girl. boy and girl are best friends. boy still loves girl. boy kicks girl out of their apartment. boy still loves girl. boy has nothing. boy still loves girl. kenthefuckingsellout. your sight when you need it.

[11/29/2009] I'm so selfish I'm a fucking asshole I make terrible decisions and regret them all the time I have to accept that things can't always be perfect and grow up. What's my deal? your sight when you need it.

[10/28/2009] Connect. i'll be your sight, your sight when you need it.

[10/27/2009] I am going to be an Indian for Halloween. I have a few places I'd like to go, but really I just want to end up having a good fucking time. When I was young Halloween was tough because of my GD diabetes, but now it should be a good time to kick back, have a few PBR and meet some people. Oh and my new job is sweet, but not sugar sweet... I can't have that. How are you? I want to meet a nice lady. your sight when you need it.

[10/27/2009] I am going to be an Indian for Halloween. I have a few places I'd like to go, but really I just want to end up having a good fucking time. When I was young Halloween was tough because of my GD diabetes, but now it should be a good time to kick back, have a few PBR and meet some people. Oh and my new job is sweet, but not sugar sweet... I can't have that. How are you? I want to meet a nice lady. your sight when you need it.

[10/22/2009] [ music | butch walker ] things have been really all over the place for me. ive been staying positive for as long as i can remember. in fact, im almost becoming used to it. im always saying whats up to people at work, even people i dont know. im trying to get rid of the asshole that like stole my soul for a while there in my life. its going pretty well. im really looking forward to weekends again. work is always changing. my new job kind of starts tomorrow. the hours are six am to three pm. it will give me time to run after work, which is frankly what i need. im becoming such a sloth and if im going to be a badass indian chief for halloween, i have to find my abs. haha thats so stupid, but i dont care. james, one of my best friends is turning 23 tomorrow. we are having a party at my apartment. please come by if youd like, should be a laugh a minute. keep on keeping on. your sight when you need it.

[10/18/2009] I ran the mens health urbanathlon yesterday. 11.76 miles of lakeshore pleasures and kz reflections. My body is tired and so is my mind. More later. your sight when you need it.

[10/12/2009] [ music | strike anywhere ] well things havent been absolutely horrendous for me, but pretty close. i always take a step back to see the big picture, like starving children or prisoners of war, but this time i dont want to. seeing the big picture is a way for me to put my emotions and thoughts on the backburner, and this fucking situation deserves a seat right up front. im trying to come to terms with this whole thing, but i cant seem to do it (yet.) i have a lot of work ahead of me, and im kind of excited about it. the thought of being happy again is exhilarating but it seems so far away. i feel like all the good things have gone away and im faking my way through the day. that cant be real. no wonder 75% of songs are about broken hearts. i could write a novel. its fucking intense. hah. at least its real, something inside of me is hurting and i can feel it, that is fucking inspirational. im going to miss my dog too. i came home and watched marley and me (fuck it) and it was fucking brutal. i read online in this shit called "how to mend a broken heart" that i should watch something hilarious or super sad. i chose the latter because fucking a every day is a laugh a minute, or at least i try to make it that way. i dont know. this is all very confusing to me. im glad she is going to move out and move on though. everyone has been saying how good that will be for me. initially it will burn a hole through my head but im hoping that it will pass. haha and on top of all of this, i got hurt tonight playing hockey. i dont know, i really hope it isnt karma because ive been trying to be super friendly to everyone and help people out on a daily basis, but it feels like there is something there. something that i cant see or understand, but its fucking with me a little bit, maybe it is a test? i dont know. i want to get through this and make friends. who's with me? fucking a. thanks. your sight when you need it.

[10/04/2009] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | califone ] so i just got back from an awesome weekend of camping with matt and james. it really was nice timing, because not only was i away for a while, but my cell phone battery died and wouldnt accept a charge. honestly, it was good. coming back was tough because im still in love with my roommate but ive settled down. we drove down to turkey run state park on thursday night, and it was fucking pouring rain. we made it about three quarters of the way there and we had to stop. i saw a town called lafayette on my phone so i said lets just sleep there tonight. turns out that is where purdue university is. pretty hilarious. matt, james and myself were all pretty terrible and walked to a few bars near our shithole hotel. it was hilarious and we have planned to do it all again next year. so this weekend in a nut shell was 60 PBRs, lots of unusual canned meat (for matt and james) and uhh, lots of nature. sleeping in a tent was pretty badass. i have to admit, i felt really good being out there. i wish it could have been longer. those guys are totally two of my best friends, so spending time with them was good. i got a chance to actually talk about feelings with them and you know what, it wasnt so fucking bad. its like i wrote this rule book for myself like "no drinking starbucks ever" and "no dancing" but that shit is really like, immature and an excuse not to put myself out there. i decided to go to starbucks today for the first time in my life, and you know what, it was pretty fucking good. im not going to deprive myself of anything anymore, im down for whatever. am i over this whole kari thing? definitely not, but i have to focus on something else. we hiked like five miles through a national park in indiana, it was so sweet. we walked across a gigantic bridge that matt said was assembled by king kong since he didnt have anything better going on, hahahaha. i was a temporary spiderman. lets hang out. i'll be your sight, your sight when you need it.

[09/30/2009] [ music | the starting line ] she just came back and got her laundry. it was so nice seeing her. she doesnt believe me that ive always been this in love with her. this whole communication thing has really been the pits for me. she comes in here and shes all worried about paying the bills for the apartment, and she wants to move out as soon as possible. that is so killer for me. not only do i not want to live alone, but i dont want her or charlee to leave. they are like rocks in my life, i dont even think she is going to want to be my friend. why would she? man the word killer keeps popping into my head. i dont feel good at all, i feel like i have no control. i gave her a hug when she left, she has no love left for me. this is so fucking whiny but i think people do this more often than not. ive never done this so for me its a first. especially somewhere i wont forget to look. is it supposed to feel like youll never get past it? she really got over this whole thing quickly... or maybe not and i was too stupid to notice. i dont even know where to begin. i cannot live like this, and i just said i was going to keep my head up. i didnt anticipate this happening when i wrote a few days ago. i really want that feeling again, i dont want to get shut out. im so selfish too, that makes this even worse. i want her to be so fucking happy but i feel like a part of that. this isnt going to go away. i started taking more medication to try to settle my stomach. im like getting physically ill because of these feelings and expressing them. rejection is so fucked up. i love that i was hopeful enough to think something else may happen though, thats decent of me. i miss everything. i told her she needed to give me two weeks, that should be enough time for me to figure this whole thing out. im a fuckin' mess. i'll be your sight, your sight when you need it.

HOPE [09/29/2009] [ mood | determined ] i broke karis heart and i cant fix it. all these websites say you have to play it cool and act confident to get an exgirlfriend back but i couldnt do it. for the first time in probably years i started to feel something inside of me like uprising and i cant control it so i told her that i miss her and that id like to try to make it work, she doesnt feel the same way. i totally deserve it, but it really bums me out. i have to try to keep my head up, just, heartbreak is a funny thing. not funny like haha, funny like i told you so. like, honestly im so glad i got to know her, she is one of (if not the) best people (person)ive ever met. this is probably healthy, but i feel super unhealthy. i was the one that said we should take a break. i did that so i could try to get my shit together, and in the past few days i feel like i have, and i got really excited and told her everything. coincidentally she did something that made me jealous, and thinks all this is just jealousy. there isnt any way that i can change her mind, and i know i cant just be cool... you know? its like way too meaningful for me to act all nonchalant about it. i miss taking charlee to the vet with her. i miss being in florida with her. i miss holding her upside down. but in a way its great to be able to reflect on that stuff. it really gives me hope as depressing as that is. no matter how hard it is i have to try to keep on keepin' on. i hate that too, because id rather just go back into the hole i lived in the past five years but fuck that... look where that got me, right where i am now. i regret this decision more than anything in my entire life. i wish this wasnt such bad timing, i wish she could like see my soul and understand that this is what im about. sitting here wishing and hoping is such a bad strategy too, because i sound like a whiner and feel like an asshole. i should feel like an asshole though for dating her for so long and being a total waste of time. i owe her so much and i want to give it all back to her. i feel uncaged, reborn, everything and it is so amazing. there is so much to do this planet and i want to share it with her. this is probably getting like way too personal, especially because we are barely friends now...this is what my doctor said life was. its very confusing and its not the mistakes you make, its how you handle those mistakes that defines who you are. i made a fucking gigantic mistake and now im handling it with my heart instead of anything else. this is really the first time ive followed my heart too, you know? i always try to be a hardass and pretend like things dont matter but i cant do that with something like this. i want a hug. this is so emotional it is terrible. a 24 year old ass man bitching into his live internet journal about a girl that he loved and lost. what a cliche. i guess i get why people do this now though, and why people think its a trend. i dont really have anyone to talk to about this so i just write it all down here. i tried to tell her these things but she was fucking FREAKED OUT. id be freaked out too, but since its not me, i cant really understand how hard something like this must be. you know she really tried to move on after me, but me, i just stayed where i was; but was a fucking asshole. i was trying to repel her because i knew at that time we were not a good fit. now though, i feel like two puzzle pieces from the clay (thanks postal service.) i always thought that that would be a good song to have on while i die, but im kind of reconsidering that... that actually seems really perfect for this situation. super slow, mellow, and just soothing. the iron & wine version that is. i dont know, im really thinking into this way too much. my doctor said i say "i dont know" way too often, and i think thats accurate. because for once i do fucking know, i know how i feel and it is exploding, but i wont explode. ill just be cool. im going to try to get her to read this. it probably isnt a good idea because i cant get my emotions and feelings all out here, but i feel like im going to walk into her room, ask her to read this, and tell her ill never speak to her about these feelings again. she will probably read it because shes super fucking rad, but i will feel so sad when she is done. she is going to not even look at me and shes going to leave the room and that will be that. i wont break the promise either, and it will hurt pretty badly. and the worst part is she is going to feel bad about it. kari, please dont feel bad. this is not your fault. i love you and will always be here for you, you are my favorite person in this galaxy. not so cool ken. ps she read it and it went down just like i said, how do i deal? your sight when you need it.

[09/28/2009] [ mood | ready ] starting today, september 28th 2009, i am going to have heart. im leaving the shadows behind and am embracing reality. i hope you can all join me as this is going to be a long, long journey. probably arduous at times, but it will be worth it. here goes nothin'. i'll be your sight, your sight when you need it.

[09/14/2009] [ music | the jazz june ] its really time for me to start writing again. its very fucking opening for me, i get to look within and see it all. i neglected it for over a year and it was the worst year of my life (internally) i have a long way to go. your sight when you need it.

[07/02/2009] [ mood | blank ] [ music | rocky votolato ] I can't feel anything. i'll be your sight, your sight when you need it.

[06/12/2008] lightspeed champion tomorrow. get psyched! i'll be your sight, your sight when you need it.

[05/07/2008] [ music | sleepercar ] old as dirt and twice as dirty. life aint so bad. your sight when you need it.

[05/06/2008] [ music | make model ] kari and i, two years. woohoo! i'll be your sight, your sight when you need it.

i wouldnt have it any other way. [05/03/2008] right now im sitting in karis dorm room (im so college.) waiting for her to go and take a final. not a whole lot has been going on lately, but i like it. i had two championship hockey games in the past week and we won them both. while winning isnt everything, it felt good. work has been tough, and ill leave it at that. kari got me a tomtom for my birthday, it was super thoughtful seeing as i get lost just about every time im driving. i dont know if it is that i am bad with directions, or i just dont pay attention, or a combination of the both of those things. i got a new tattoo with kari last week, and ive been running a lot. its good to keep track of these things once in a while, cant forget where i came from. keepin' it real. i'll be your sight, your sight when you need it.

[12/02/2007] your sight when you need it.

[11/12/2007] [ mood | stoked ] I just donated to OLPC. :D i'll be your sight, your sight when you need it.

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